Becoming the Protagonist of My Own Heroine’s Journey
I had a rude wake-up call when I had everything I thought I ever wanted and found myself deeply dissatisfied with life. At the time, I could not understand why I was so unhappy and did not dare to admit it to anyone, especially myself. I pushed the sadness, anxiety, and dissatisfaction down into the depths of my subconscious. I let it fester there until my mind and body forced me to pay attention by manifesting into debilitating depression and anxiety.
I had naively believed if I did everything that society told me would make me happy that I would inevitably be happy. In the process of trying to subscribe to a one-size-fits-all happiness model, I lost myself. My relationship with a successful partner and our lavish lifestyle looked picture-perfect on social media. In reality, I was drowning in insecurity trying to source my worth from an unfaithful narcissist. I handed my power over to him hoping to receive his love in return. I didn’t have any love for myself and desperately sought it from someone I knew deep down did not have the capacity for it.
Losing myself and my mental well-being was a blessing in disguise. It forced me to get back behind the steering wheel of my life. I had let others take the wheel and was left stranded on a boat thrashing against a cliff like a scene out of a horror movie. As I hesitantly ventured out into open water I had to take off my fear-tinted glasses. The only choices that can be made while in open water are brave choices.
I did not know which direction to go so I followed my intuition, which led me to a Buddhist monastery called Plum Village. I was living in San Francisco at the time and no one in my life could understand why I wanted to travel across the world to spend a week with Buddhist monastics outside of Bordeaux where wine and cheese would not be on the menu. It was beyond my comprehension as well, especially given I had no previous interest in meditation or Buddhism. The idea had been seeded after catching a glimpse of the monastics from Plum Village mindfully walking through a busy technology conference in the middle of downtown San Francisco. They emanated peace while I frantically ran by them between meetings, and I knew I had something to learn from them. After years of living in internal conflict with myself, I was desperate to learn anything I could about finding inner peace.
Slowing down and unplugging at Plum Village allowed me to see how I was creating distractions to avoid being with the truth of my reality. In the stillness of the present moment thoughts and emotions I had been repressing bubbled to the surface with clarity. Throwing myself into work and dating was just another way of sourcing my worth from others. I was using the same tactics and hoping for a new outcome. Inner peace could only be found through creating a new relationship with myself, one based on self-love and not fear of not being loveable.
When my work offered me the opportunity to move to London I knew I needed to set sail and start anew. I didn’t know anyone in London when I moved here two years ago and decided I would push myself outside my comfort zone as an introvert and agree to attend every social event I was invited to. With growing awareness from my mindfulness practice, I became aware of the stories I was telling myself. If I continued to believe that I was awkward and unlikeable then I would continue to find evidence of this in every social interaction and continue to be a victim of my own mind. I created a list of positive qualities I valued in myself and saw every social interaction as an opportunity to draw out these positive qualities. I was reprogramming my thoughts and turning down the volume of my inner critic. I focused on how I could be an empathic listener and be a healing presence to others. I had previously seen my empathic abilities as a burden but was learning to embrace them as a gift.
This social reprogramming project came to a halt as the U.K. went into lockdown last year. I took this as a sign from the universe that it was time to go inwards and look at what conditioning was still holding me back from loving myself. I was freshly single after a failed relationship attempt with someone who was emotionally unavailable and uncertain about what they wanted in the future. Through this journey of personal development, I have seen how the people I attract into my life are a mirror showing me a reflection of where I am personally. This failed romance was showing me that I was still repressing my emotions and did not have a clear vision for my own future. Life shows us the lessons we need to learn and we can choose to learn and grow or to live in a spin cycle repeating the same lessons with different people.
When the boiler in my flat was broken for a month and a half a lifetime of repressed anger came to the surface for a reckoning. I had subconsciously subscribed to the belief that “good girls” don’t express their anger. Anger was reserved for the men I dated and the ones I attracted into my life had no problem expressing enough anger for both of us. Since the boiler was an inanimate object I let myself feel angry and the floodgates opened. I sat with my anger in meditation and memories flooded in of every time I had wanted to express my anger and shoved it down pretending everything was okay. I let the words I never said flow, writing letters to people I would never send. It was the first step in learning how to express my anger so I could cultivate a new relationship with it.
I now have a clear vision of who I want to be in the future that serves as my compass. Since I struggle with self-worth, I have incorporated rituals of self-love into my day. When I take baths, I send gratitude and love to my body. Looking in the mirror, I look into my eyes and send love to myself. This helps me recognize the power of my own loving presence, which I can offer to others when I’m mindful. Most importantly, I surround myself with people who elicit my higher nature. I’m creating a community that supports me on my journey and inspires me with how they live their own lives.
It has been three years now since I went to Plum Village for the first time and reconnected with the still voice within. Getting behind the wheel and venturing into open water is the bravest and most rewarding thing I have done. Some people in my life worry about my choice to dedicate time to self-discovery and healing instead of settling down and living the life they expect of me. It’s difficult to disappoint loved ones, but I continually remind myself of the advice that Glennon Doyle shared with her daughter that was captured in her book Untamed, “Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.” This journey to find inner peace has shown me that when I fill myself with love, putting my needs first, I can give and receive love unconditionally.
It’s not easy to be a maverick, a word Joseph Campbell used to describe his life in his conversations with Bill Moyers. Campbell’s work illuminated the importance of mythology in shaping our reality. The individual and collective stories we tell become our reality. If we want to change, we need to plant new stories that are supported by acts that put us in accord with the future we are holding in our mind's eye. When I was ready to let go of my victim narrative I was able to reimagine my life through what Campbell called the hero’s journey. I now strive to embrace each challenge as a gift, an opportunity to answer the call to adventure and step into the unknown. To continually shed what no longer serves me and be reborn to my higher nature. I am weaving a new myth for myself to live by. I am becoming the empowered protagonist of my own heroine’s journey.
*My first post is dedicated to my great aunt Hiroko Kamikawa Omata who passed away at the age of 100 on the 19th of February 2021. I will never forget when I asked my great aunt about her experience as a female in the Japanese American internment camps during WWII. She said her experience as a female never prevented her from doing what she wanted in life. Hiroko was a trailblazer who, through living as a heroine, paved the way for me and countless other women to live as bravely as she did. Rest in peace, Auntie.
